Men and the Sun

alexandramv — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 07:00:57 +0000

I just ran out of ways to deny the fact that the only person that gives a shit about me is leaving the country for a month tomorrow. I don’t want to think about the fact that my bed will be empty, my apartment will be empty, and in all likelihood, my life will be empty. I’ve said goodbye in this way many times, but knowing what to expect might make it that much worse. I know just how many nights I’ll spend laying in bed, crying and going over all the funny things we used to say, crying because if you were there you wouldn’t stop until you knew exactly what was wrong, and crying because if you were there, nothing would even be wrong. It’s like stepping off the edge of a cliff. Right now you’re laying on my arm and it’s falling asleep, but I wouldn’t push you off for anything in the world.

alexandramv — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 08:03:28 +0000

Karma is a stupid concept. Bad things happen to bad people, and bad things happen to good people. Despite everything and anything, the universe still gives you people to love and then lets them slip through your fingers like water.

alexandramv — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 04:56:19 +0000

I love the 7 11 on on Cecil because I know the cashiers will always be as miserable as I am. I can walk in there with the most sourpuss, pissed off, bitch-face that I can muster, and always know that whoever is ringing me up will match it, if not top it. I can put whatever I’m buying on the counter, and hand them my card when they hold their hand out. I don’t have to utter a syllable of forced pleasantry, or raise an inch of my face in a fake smile. We hate each other and it’s simple.

alexandramv — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 21:38:06 +0000

It is weird that I try to conceal the limp in my right leg so that people on the street don’t know my weakness and therefore can’t use it to their advantage if a fight breaks out?

alexandramv — Mon, 23 Jan 2012 01:36:52 +0000

On second thought, I think I’m going to have to enlist Bree’s help on this endeavor.

alexandramv — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 19:28:23 +0000

I almost bled to death last night.

alexandramv — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 19:30:38 +0000

The panic I feel every time I leave my apartment is escalating at an alarming rate. Everywhere in this city feels like a minefield and I’m terrified that I’m going to see one of the people that haven’t spoken to me since June 19, 2011. I feel jittery and nauseous and I imagine that everyone in a North Face is someone I used to know. I decided I need to do something to change my own appearance so that can go outside and not feel like everyone is staring at me. I guess it sounds drastic but that’s alright because I’ll do anything at this point to be able to walk outside and not feel like I’m going to suffocate. With any luck, next time you see me, I won’t look anything like me and you won’t even know that it’s me you’re looking at.

alexandramv — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 22:43:21 +0000

Watching Alcatraz and reading my Behavioral Analysis textbook because what else would I be doing. Also trying to get my credit limit increased by $1,000 so I can take a bunch of it out and get tattooed. Making good monetary decisions since never.

alexandramv — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 07:21:24 +0000

I’m dreading the first day of lab next Wednesday. It’ll be the day everyone finds their lab partner for the remainder of the semester. I am notoriously awful at this and tend to be the awkward person that has to awkwardly tell the lab instructor that I didn’t find a partner. I’m perfectly fine with removing the intestinal organs of a cat, but the thought of trying to relate to another human is terrifying. Pathetic. I also can’t find my fucking lab goggles anywhere which sucks. Where the hell did I put those stupid fuckers.

alexandramv — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 23:24:04 +0000

I’m almost certain that I imagined you. You could not have been more than an apparition. I’m waiting for you to materialize again. Maybe I should say that I’m dreading the moment that you will inevitably materialize again.